Grief

Over the past few weeks I've been reading a couple of things that today I've begun to piece together in my head. First- we all have this space in our lives- we fill it with so many things. Singles, like me, have more space than others. I've never had to put another person fully above myself other than God. There are definitely people in my life for whom I care much about, and who care about me. But mostly, there is a lot of space. Being the relational being God has made me, much of that space still tends to be filled with people. Highlights and lowlights in my life can mostly be defined through interactions with others. This has its own strengths and weaknesses.
Grief comes when people leave that space- my lifestage and life choices have made it so that people come into and leave that space very often. This is really difficult at times, especially when there is lack of closure. Recently I experienced this pain, and while before I assumed there would this chance to redeem all of the hurt, it now looks as though that redemption will have to come through other means. In the meanwhile, I am left with these random days of feeling loss.

the beginnings

"Our cross is the point of our unlikeness to the image of Christ, where we must die to self in order to be raised by God into wholeness of life in the image of Christ taken place at the points of our unlikeness to Christ, and the first step is confrontation." M. Robert Mulholland, Jr.- Invitation to a Journey.

There are times I am sure an author is speaking directly to what is going on in my life at that time. This summer I was confronted by a growing reality that even though I confess Christ as Lord, my life can resemble that of a Buddhist. To explain: I often want to die to desires that are not met- thinking somehow this will honor Christ when really He is asking me to pick up my cross, and follow him- to leave it with him. Someone told me that as I purify these desires, give them my Savior, I will discover that what I desire more than these things is Christ Himself.

I make long term decisions that I hope will honor the Lord with my life, it's the simple things in my daily life that I will quickly sacrifice to lesser loves- but they add up over time. I want to record this process- of seeking Christ on a more daily basis- of making those seeming simple decisions to pick up my cross and follow Him. I want to choose what is unseen over what is seen. I want to create space in my life to know God more. I want to understand His economy of mercy.